You do know that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have honey, right? Did they both come up for sale at the same time? Now that she knows this about herself and also knows caring for her ailing mother-in-law is an unbreakable condition for her marriage, she will hopefully look for solutions that work for everyone. And not because of some grandiose moral notion of kindness, but because not being able to access that compassion makes every single moment of the process strained, draining, and just all around awful for yourself and everyone involved. Also, I saw my mom naked all the time. honeybeenicki 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Ways to Know if Theres Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship. Elderly people often lose the capacity to properly care for themselves, and if she was already mentally ill, or even eccentric, Im sure the issue is exacerbated. Im with Wendy. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. something random Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Appreciate those gestures by reminding them. It doesnt matter if you say, I hate living with my husband. It wont change anything unless you let him know your feelings. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. And honestly maybe not have a baby when you cant afford a place to live? I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. I find myself, however, drowning in internal protestations of "I deserve to be treated better.". Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. Raccoon eyes He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. These people, who dont seem to give a shit about aging, ailing parents, are the worst! LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. June 18, 2015, 2:01 pm. I have a feeling your tune would be very different. They are inseparable. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. Start by making your husband aware of your feelings before taking other steps. The issue isnt about hating your partner. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? June 18, 2015, 10:49 am, honeybeenicki They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. I read it too quickly the first time and thought you wrote Not that I think you have experienced instead of not that I think you have to have experienced It changed the whole tone. It is absolutely wrong to leave her to her fate. Probably not the last. Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good . Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. Possibly. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages. something random Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. Go right back to when you used to love your husband. Could you be transferring aggression? Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. The MIL just cant be left to care for herself. You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. TaraMonster Is there any money that can be spent on outsourcing care for the mother? Its a great solution and if you can find the entire building for sale, its actually often cheaper to purchase than a home that would provide you with the same amount of rooms. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . Recollect how happy you were on your wedding day? So let me see if I understand this. that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Its a daunting prospect to consider and I dont blame the letter writer for wanting out (on a purely emotional level). But, man like Taramonster said the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all. What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? Otherwise, its bound to bring out hatred in one person. 4. If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. She doesnt live with us anymore and I never reach out to her. And she is still getting a free place to live and wants to continue getting a free place to live and not move out right now, until she gets a job. However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. That contributes to your extreme hatred for your husband. For instance, you can initiate revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Who the fuck cares? Marriage is full of ups and downs, and you might have forgotten each other as you navigate life. I understand that she must have felt desperate, but shes calling out her MIL for having bad judgment (as a mother and grandmother), when it seems like the LWs judgment is questionable, too. LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. I Hate My Husband For Cheating on Me - Tips and Advice That May Help. I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. Id look into a home health aide. And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. Raccoon eyes Not sure what youre talking about. But who among us isn't? She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. We've been together for 16 years and married 14 years. It does not have to be living with her. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. Nicole And would give you or your husband a chance to get some respite (or some time to clean up the house). That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. Hiring live in care, or convincing your MIL to move to an assisted living center nearby where she can be taken care of by people who are equipped to do so may be the most benefical to everyone, particularly her. Im now realizing that I misunderstood the promise of LWs husband when I read this earlier and replied. April 1, 2017, 12:51 pm. Wheres your compassion for that? I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). Never asked her husband how she was, what her life was like, how she was managing living alone, post-stroke? . Or maybe MIL stays put and letter writer moves somewhere close so her husband can put in an hour or two daily with MIL and letter writer goes a couple times a week. She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". It will complicate your marriage more. Oh, come on. It is simply about being able to express your thoughts honestly and openly to your spouse. You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and. When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. Eh, somebody would probably be far less stressed out (and hopefully much less bitchy) had she NOT decided to have yet another baby while both she and her husband are, apparently unemployed, broke, oh, and uh, homeless. He talks to his mom about it. June 18, 2015, 9:44 am. The challenge to my marriage. Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. Had she never visited her? If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. On top of all that, she has a bad memory and the worst judgment and I dont want my daughter or newborn to be around her. Like other things in life, it has its problems. It can pave the way for a better relationship. The famous statement that marriage isnt a bed of roses comes true here. All Im saying, a lot of this responses are piling on the LW and telling her to have sympathy for her MIL (which is true, she needs to find that and take on a more compassionate view of the situation) while at the same time being pretty unsympathetic to what the LW is going through. She got in way over her head. Have some compassion and dont treat people like inconveniences when they are helping you out financially. Having a vagina does not automatically sign me up to take care of my husbands elderly mother or to act as his social secretary. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. It wont make him change, and guess what? Youre willing to make the enormous sacrifice of living rent-free with your horrible MIL now, while you cant afford your own place, but as soon you have a job and wont need any of her finances, you will no longer be willing to make any kind of sacrifice when it comes to her and believe your husband should break his promise to take care of her? something random I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. All rights reserved. Make sure you can support a baby before getting pregnant. Express your feelings without sugar-coating, 10 Effective Communication Skills in Relationships for Healthy Marriages, If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a. . He needs to adequately defend their needs and manage boundaries. . If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. What do I mean? You can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need more enlightenment. Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? Thank her for her suggestions and make your own decisions as a parent. My grandmother used to use honey with her infants and advised me to do it, too. The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. If someone provides you a free place to live complaining about them makes you look like a jerk. This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. That could have been her husband too, though. Hate is a strong word. Why does he even get an opinion?The conversation that needs to happen here is between the LW and the husband. But who among us isnt? She needs professional care. You dont write four paragraphs about how terrible you think she is. He has directly told me that Im simply hormonal and Im just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way. June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. Also, my entire job is trying to mitigate or prevent the self-neglect you describe. June 18, 2015, 11:21 am. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. Yeah, this is pretty horrible. . If hes willing to throw away a promise to his mother just because things are difficult now, what makes you think he wouldnt do the same to you? Same advice as to what she should do, but different tone. We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. She says he's lazy and stupid and selfish and all kinds of other things that just aren't true. Dear Wendy And I can just now stomach pineapple. Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. Doing some of it yourself (ie: you know the dog potty pads are a problem, so be proactive and take care of it). I just cant believe you are perfectly fine using your MIL for a place to live now, when you need her but, youre unwilling to help when she needs you. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. I was simply upset because my baby was crying. Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. Its possible to dislike your husband and still love them simultaneously. Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. Bittergaymark I really think they should move out and rent awhile and find an alternative way to take care of the MIL. Unless it was an emergency out of my control, I wouldnt stay overnight in a hotel with my child that I hadnt researched thoroughly, let alone move him into a home for many months whose state I was completely unaware of. But I do agree that the LW needs to reframe how she sees this. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: 13 Tips on What to Do if You Dislike Your Spouse, ? 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. Doing things together offer couples opportunities to enjoy each others company and finding loving ways to complete tasks together. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". . Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. Jeez, I think these responses are kind of harsh. My parents neglected my emotional needs consistently in favour of my more challenging sister. It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. It also means you acknowledge these differences and align with them. What Lies Do to a Marriage? , RedRoverRedRover Telling someone shes a bad person isnt likely to make her take the advice, but reframing the message i in a kinder (but equally blunt) way would make her more likely to take heed. * The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. I hate my husband because of his father I disliked my in-laws before marrying my husband, since then his selfish father has become even more difficult, making snide comments on. You complain, complain, complain about everything you have to do for her and how grossed out you are by her and about this horrible promise your husband made to, gasp, care for his ailing mother, but wouldnt you want your kids to show some care for you if you werent able to care for yourself and they were in a position to help out a little? But if this happens frequently, you must ask yourself, Why do I feel like I hate my husband?. Overall, I feel for you. We've always had communication and problem resolution issues. I agree. However, it doesnt always work like that. Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. Many wives say, Sometimes I hate my husband. The reason is that their husband stopped paying attention to them. . Talk about sweet! Still, it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. She cant be left alone with a baby, not even holding a baby while the parent walks into the next room. ChickenNugget You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. If she does in fact have mental health issues, whether or not they are consequent to the stroke, they should be assessed and addressed appropriately, but that doesnt excuse her demanding and entitled behaviour either. Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. (Right?) I have made my concerns clear to my husband that I do not want her living with us when we move out. 2. You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. with yourself. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . However, my mother-in-law's fault is also to a large extent in all this. You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. Was she not in touch with the woman? So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. Because if so, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too? They often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being. ele4phant When my husband was two, she gave him weed to try to get him to go to sleep, and saw nothing wrong with being naked around him and allowing other females to be naked around him clear up to his teen years. It isnt such a big deal, but the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it. My husband is wonderful but he seems to believe that since his mother is willing to pay part of the bills when we buy a house that she is needed. The suddenly MIL has the money clear out of the blue to help with finances after they buy a house when she clearly didnt have the money to do so in her own place? Nicole And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. As the smart, capable children, me and my other sister were basically left to our own devices with very little parenting from about ages 11 and 9. When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? I think there is room for a grain of salt here in how we judge the LW. One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! To begin with, when you hate your husband, it doesnt necessarily mean you have no feelings for them anymore. If you really can't get on with their family and are no longer on speaking terms, allow your partner to continue their relationship with them on. I forgot about the honey thing. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. We bought the entire building because the owner was selling it. I do stroke rehabilitation with older adults and one of the nasty parts of having a stroke is that sometimes peoples strokes leave them with defecits in self awareness, attention, balance, problem solving and social skills. She definitely needs to be called on that. New activities offer a change of environment, which in itself can make you feel closer to your partner. But because of that I would never move in with either of my parents for free rent either. Im just saying the tone at which people are responding to the LW is off. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. This article will provide the answers you need. Wendy, I think your column was great advice for this letter writer. Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. something random I hope what goes around comes around. June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. But if he was already heading for a discharge I fully agree. LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. One thing you should know that being married to a husband attached to his mother is not always a bad thing. TaraMonster I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. Your spouse had children before he or she met you. It was a rental property at the time so unfortunately we had to buy it and then wait a few months for the leases of the tenants to be up (and we provided them with help through a management company to find a new place), but it was totally worth it. 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